How Do You Actually Get A Job?

Yes I know you need to write your CV clearly with all your best achievements and you need to apply almost exclusively for roles you’re very qualified for and you need to make sure your LinkedIn is up-to-date and you need to tap into your network and you need to prep for your interviews like Patrick Bateman prepped for a few of his more grisly murders but how do you really get a job? I can’t just go off fundamental advice that’s been tried-and-tested again and again and again over literal decades. I need to stand out.

That’s why I got myself a qualified and certified career coach. No, they’ve never spent even a moment as a recruiter or hiring manager. And no, they’ve never interviewed anyone. That’s why I chose them. If they’d been a recruiter or hiring manager then they only would’ve given me the same proven-over-millions-of-hires advice that’s given to everyone else. My career coach, on the other hand, talks about things like ‘growth mindset’ and ice baths and has sayings such as ‘your network is your net worth’ and ‘don’t apply to jobs’ and ‘growth mindset.’ He also talks about having a growth mindset a lot. He’s incredible.

I asked him one time how he’d gotten into career coaching and he told me a fantastic story:

I then asked him where he’d gotten his qualifications and certifications from and he didn’t really answer the question but he did mention he’d read some books - well, LinkedIn posts - and watched quite a few TikToks. I actually liked that better because I didn’t want the mainstream, battle-tested stuff; I wanted the other stuff, the stuff the gatekeepers don’t tell you, which is exactly what my career coach helped me with: how to find the hidden job market, how to avoid getting auto-rejected by the omnipresent ATS robots, the white font trick, and sending my CV to a load of recruiters so they can find jobs for me. I had no idea you could do that but my career coach told me that’s a recruiter’s whole job. He’s unbelievable.

No interviews yet. Most of the recruiters I messaged ghosted me. I didn’t know what ghosting was but my career coach told me ghosting is when you message a random person and tell them to do a homework assignment for you and they don’t reply. A few of them got back to me and all said the same thing: their job is to find candidates for their jobs, not jobs for candidates. I told my career coach because that was the opposite of what he said but he told me those recruiters obviously don’t have a growth mindset.

I finally got my first interview after an exhausting couple of hours of job searching because I went behind my career coach’s back and applied online for a job I was qualified for. I’m a bit of a rebel sometimes. Plus, I was beginning to suspect my career coach was a bit of a charlatan. I’ve never encountered any type of scammer on the internet before and wasn’t even aware of their existence but he’s been growing less and less responsive ever since my four-figure payment hit his account.

Anyway, the company told me the interview process would look like this:

1. Pre-screening call with the recruitment coordinator.

2. Screening call with the recruiter.

3. Post-screening call with the recruitment director.

4. One-way interview with AI-generated recruitment bot, aka The Bot.

5. 5th stage interview with the hiring manager and The Bot, who would be present but silent, watching, judging.

6. 6th stage panel interview with the hiring manager, the hiring manager’s 8-man team, and HR Director (and The Bot).

7. Personality Test with a 12-minute deadline based on the big four: Synergy, Ducks In A Row, Circling Back, Maximising Shareholder Value.

8. Personality Test discussion with the recruitment coordinator, recruiter, recruitment director, The Bot, hiring manager, and the hiring manager’s 8-person team, and someone off the street (to reduce bias).

9. Culture fit interview weekend in which all candidates (up to 25) will accompany the entire HR department to an Escape Room, followed by a dinner (expenses not paid) during which candidates have the (mandatory) opportunity to dazzle with a work-related, hilarious, yet-not-over-the-line anecdote that should last precisely between ten and eleven minutes.

10. Unpaid assignment that becomes the company’s intellectual property upon completion.

11. One final interview with a senior stakeholder who the candidate will never see or even speak to ever again.

12. Final final interview in which candidate must defeat The Bot at chess.

After that, they said they’ll only need three to four months to make a decision.

The Interview

“So, tell me about yourself.”

“Well,” I said, with ChatGPT open next to the Zoom window, as advised by my career coach, “Certainly! My name is say your name, and I have over seven years of experience in having experience. Currently, I am employed at say where you work, where I oversee the execution of initiatives.”

“In my current role, I have successfully increased engagement by 40% and improved something else by 25%. I’ve also led several high-impact campaigns that contributed to a decrease in annual revenue. One of my proudest achievements was launching an operation that not only increased awareness but significantly harmed our customer perception and loyalty.”

“I am particularly drawn to this opportunity at say the company name because of your innovative approach to maximising shareholder value and your commitment to profiting at any cost to your employees’ mental health, which aligns closely with my personal values. I am excited about the possibility of bringing my genericness to your team and contributing to the exploitation of almost all of your employees.”

“Impressive, very nice” said the interviewer, having paid no attention. I’d describe them for you but it doesn’t matter. They’re a person and alive. “And what’s your biggest weakness?”

“I’d say my greatest strength is listening,” I replied.

“Hmm, yes, excellent,” said the interviewer. “Well, do you have any questions for me?”

“Yes,” I said. “What’s the salary for this position?”

“Competitive,” they replied, momentarily (and accidentally) (?) sharing their screen to show they’re looking for a new job.

“Okay, and is that negotiable?”

“Sure, yeah. It could be. It might be. Speak to the recruiter. His name’s John, I think.” The recruiter’s name was Stacey.

“I will, thanks. And just one more question. Do you have any hesitations about hiring me?”

My career coach was adamant I ask this question. He said it puts the interviewer at ease. Plus, if there’s some hesitation they have that you can't reconcile, you can spend a few minutes blabbering on about whatever while coming nowhere close to changing their mind.

The interviewer seemed puzzled. “You’re white. You’re a man. You seem pretty mediocre and unwilling to work even a little bit hard, and yet still have the entitlement to expect to be promoted ahead of others. So, no. I’m sure you’d do well here.”

“Great!” I said, scrolling Instagram.

I didn’t hear back within twelve hours for some reason, even though I followed up a couple of times telling them I had another three or four offers in hand, as recommended by my career coach.

After twenty-four hours, I felt discouraged. Disheartened. Disappointed. Defeated. But then I remembered something from a little-known indie writer you probably haven’t heard of: Ernest Hemingway. He said: “But man is not made for defeat. A man can be destroyed but not defeated.”

That made me remember - that made me decide - I was more than simply someone who was discouraged, disheartened, disappointed, defeated. I was someone who was resourceful, creative, resilient, optimistic. I was someone who’d been through infinitely harder things than this, like the time my wife threw one of my Dundies at my two-hundred-dollar plasma screen TV. I was someone who’d fallen many times, but had always risen. I was someone who, after every bad moment, bad day, bad year, was still here, pressing on, pushing forward, courageous.

And most important of all, I was someone who had a father who ran a company. I asked him for a job. He said yes.

If you enjoyed this, forward it over to a friend. If you didn’t enjoy it, well, your friend might so just forward it anyway.