Every Job Description Ever

Here at Synergy we look for people who will show up as their whole, authentic self, as long as that self fits in perfectly with the hiring teams’ various unconscious biases. Our core values are of the utmost importance to our marketing strategy and are rarely paid attention to by anyone, least of all our senior leaders. As for our culture, it’s essential you fit in, meaning you think, talk, act, believe, behave and look exactly like everyone who’s already here. (You’re going to need to be white). 

We know that companies with a strong culture and a higher purpose are more likely to lay people off who can’t handle the daily grind of working through burnout. And our core values? They’re more than just words. They’re a way to gaslight you into generating more shareholder value at the expense of your mental health. See below for ours:

• Circling Back

• Blue Sky Thinking

• Not Boiling The Ocean

• Stakeholder Mismanagement

• Singing From The Same Hymn Sheet

• Tacit Endorsement Of Sexual Harassment

Role:

Very Senior Product Evangelist Ninja, EMEA, reporting into the Even More Senior Product Evangelist Ninja, EMEA, Global, Milky Way Galaxy

Responsibilities:

• Strategy; take ownership of the roadmap and the entire product management lifecycle while ensuring you don’t do any actual work yourself

• Research; speak to customers, research competitors, and understand how technology is changing so you can completely change your plans every five minutes to the exasperation of everyone involved

• Product Development; build the business case for new product development, involve various (male) stakeholders to get buy-in, and communicate the vision to senior leaders so they’re impressed with you and so temporarily fill the gnawing emptiness within

• Product Requirements; get some idiot to translate the new product strategy into detailed requirements and prototypes and then take all credit for it

• Product Launches; launch new updates to sales and marketing teams, allowing them to gradually realise nobody will ever buy these pieces of crap

• In-life Product Management; manage success metrics for the product whilst taking no responsibility for the inevitable failure of the whole project

• Bullet point left in by mistake that’s clearly about another role and references being ‘detail-oriented’

Requirements:

• Senior product management experience for a SaaS or Cloud business, whatever the fuck that means

• Solid strategic experience with a hands-off approach that will allow you to blame others for your many shortcomings

• Experience in presenting business cases to senior managers and taking credit for work you didn’t even know happened

• Strong understanding of all elements of the entire product management process, including ideation, tactics, strategy, quick wins, ducks in a row, closing the loop, solutionising, continually moving the goal posts, pretending you’re running things up the flagpole, and low hanging fruit

• Excellent verbal and written communication skills, particularly when it comes to sending out pointless updates that only serve to clog inboxes

• Degree-educated English-speaking white heterosexual cisgender man under 35

Bonuses:

• Familiarity with Agile framework, or at least the ability to continually say out loud in meetings, “We need to remain agile”

• Strong ability to work in a rushed, low-accountability environment

Salary:

Competitive (we don’t want our current employees to know how underpaid they are) (we also don’t want to offer you more than we absolutely have to)

Benefits:

• Steady(ish) employment

• Free fruit in the office

• The chance to generate shareholder value

• I think there’s maybe some mental health stuff?

Please note: This is a hybrid role. You’ll be in the office on working days but every third Sunday of the month up to lunchtime is yours.

Ready to apply? Click here! (Don’t bother if you’re going to write some self-pitying LinkedIn post about being ghosted.)